Dear Diary
by LiquidVamp
Summary: [SPUFFY] Buffy's thoughts poured out in her diary. Starting on Valentines. Not Fluff.
1. So Long Gone

Dear Diary,

I don't know how to begin. It's been so long since I poured my soul out to you.

Diary, how do you let go of someone you loved with your whole being, mind, body, and soul for so long? I have tried, really I have, but I just can't let him go. Every where I go I see him. I feel him. I hear him. I smell him.

How do you disassociate the smell of worn leather and cigarette smoke away from him? How do you not hear his voice when someone curses with that same British slag that sounded like warm honey even when he was mad? How do you tell yourself that every bleached, blond man walking past you isn't him? How do I tell my heart that those tingles down my spine will never be caused by him? They will never be that singular feeling that only HE could cause.

Diary I moved to Rome to be away from the things that reminded me of him. But everywhere I saw him. Saw something he would like. Something I was sure he has already seen, visited, been near…

Still I move back here. Back to London where I know he's been. To a place where the builds hold within their silent walls memories of him. Where I know the streets have been stalked by him.

Dairy, I don't know what to do. I don't want to forget. Never forget. But I don't want to hurt anymore. I miss him. Every cell in my body misses him. So long gone, yet still I miss him.

How do I love, without the pain? How to do I move one without letting him go completely?

What I wouldn't give to have him here with me. To hold me. To kiss me. To make love to me. To love me.

My Spike is gone. So long gone. And I don't know what to do.

Buffy Summers

London, UK

Feb. 14, 2006


	2. If Only

Dear Diary,

I felt it again last night. Ok yeah I know you're gonna ask, so I'll go ahead and tell ya now

so you can laugh at me. I felt Spike. I know. I know. It couldn't be Spike. He's dead. Dust at the bottom of the once Sunnydale crater. But still it felt just like him. That same tingle that washes up and down my spine like no other, that damn near takes me over and in.

At first I paid it no mind, ok tried to at least. But it wouldn't work. The harder I tried to shake the feeling off as remorse and regret, the stronger it seemed to grow.

I gave in Diary; I went looking for the source of it. Found 3 fledges, that got dusted before they could take a bite out of their dinner and a Vengeance demon that I could swear was Halfrek talking to a poor unsuspecting girl on a bench. I didn't even bother to try to spot her. Ok but that's neither here nor there.

I never found the source of it. It left as fast as it came. Guess it really was just another of my mental Buffy moments. I get lost in my memories of him and it's like all of a sudden he's here with me. Near me.

If only….

Buffy Summers

March 4, 2006

Rome, Italy


	3. Sleep and Dream

Dear Diary,

I don't know what to do. I haven't slept more than an hour a night in over a month. So far I've been able to hide it from almost everyone, but the circles under my eyes are starting to look worse than any black eye I've ever had. So far I've managed to pawn the dark circles off on training the girls or patrols with them, but Willow seems to know better. In fact I'm not sure why she hasn't asked me what's going on.

It isn't that I can't sleep. I can. Case in point; I can hardly keep awake during Giles' daily debriefing meetings. It's just that he's always in my dreams. Then I wake up thinking he's really here only to be let down like a ton of bricks when I realize where I am. The pain of him not being here is worse than the dreams. Since the dreams won't go away, I refuse to sleep.

Dawn, who knows what's going on, says my logic is warped. She's probably right. I should enjoy getting to see him, feel him, and just be with him in my dreams. But it hurts too badly to wake up and have it not continue. Dawn suggested a spell or something to take the dreams away. After being dragged back from the dead by magical means I tend to shy away but if I don't get some sleep soon I might ask Willow if there is anything she can do anyway.

While I'm on the topic of Spike related miseries: I took the junior group of girls out on a wide patrol last night to work on their vamp tingles. Out of the blue Natasha said she felt something, something strong and almost sexual, a bit like a tingly caress up and down her back. I was a good fifty feet away from her but I felt the same thing. Actually I had felt it for at least ten minuets already; it's the way Spike always made me feel. I told her to direct us to where the feeling was leading her. So we trooped off behind her. She didn't find anything, but I know someone was there 'cause she did find a still hot cigarette butt. We looked around for a few more moments, but never did find anything.

It seems awfully odd that a feeling I associate with Spike could be coming from any other evil-undead. I want to just find who/what it is and kill it for making that feeling in me.

Well I guess that will be it for tonight Diary. Off to try and avoid sleep.

Buffy Summers

Aug. 29th, 2006

London, UK


	4. Silver Clues

Dear Diary,

Ok, so it hasn't even been a week since I wrote last, but I couldn't resist. Today was a pretty boring day all in all. Well, that is 'til Faith called from patrol and told me to get my ass to this busted-down old mansion about 5 miles, oh excuse me, kilometers away from HQ. Have I mentioned I hate the metric system?

No big, I was dressed for patrol anyway. I hung up and went to find out what was so important that she couldn't just tell me on the phone. I get there to find her group of Slayers-in-Training doing a parameter layout which seemed odd, but this is Faith so I paid it no mind. 

Anyway, I found Faith inside with Natasha of all people. Seems Natasha got the same feeling again tonight, so they followed it here only for it to drop out off within moments of getting there. No big, they searched the place top to bottom and found nothing unusual; squatters' leftovers mainly, lots of broken down boxes, torn newspapers, and a very large number of whisky bottles. It wasn't until Faith caught sight of a familiar silver Zippo that she questioned what or rather who they had followed and lost. She said when she picked it up the first thing she said was "ing Spike," but then she remembered Sunnydale and figured it was just a passing memory 'til she got to looking at it. Scratched on one side was a crude railroad spike.

She passed it to me and I looked at it. Damn if she wasn't right, it's Spike's lighter. But how did it get out of Sunnydale in the first place, and who had it that it got left here?

So all I have is more questions and a single clue; a clue that reminds me so much of him. This damn lighter was almost literally part of him.

Diary, I'm not stopping 'til I find who or what had this and why. One way or the other, someone is giving me answers or there will be hell to pay. Literally.

Buffy Summers

London, UK

Sept 5th, 2006


End file.
